


hail mary full of grace

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, charlotte and jay tomlinson make a cameo appearance, harry's depressed but i don't go depth with it so this is pretty safe, niall's sad to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-14 11:24:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's lost and confused until he meets Niall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hail mary full of grace

**Author's Note:**

> that was a shit summary so like read this maybe.

“Harry.” Ms. O’Reily his English teacher called as the class piled out of the classroom. Harry slowly looked up at her and he noted that she was looking at him with a bit of skepticism and he also noticed that a piece of paper was in her old shriveled up hands. It didn’t take a genius to know that it was his paper.

He pushed himself out of the seat and walked the tiled steps towards her and he was dreading the conversation already. “Yes?” He asked her and she smiled that sad smile that adults usually did around him. The smile that usually meant ‘what’s wrong with you? Why are you so broken?’

“I was reading the poem you had written.” She began and he shifted from one foot to another. He didn’t want to talk about why he talked of paradise and wanting out because she didn’t get it. She didn’t get how fed up he was with life and the whole thing in general. He woke up every weekday just to go into a building he didn’t even like and he had to pretend that he did and maybe some people were okay with having a blue print of where they were to go in life set out for them but not Harry.

It’s basically you go to school, you go to uni, and then you get a job and you die swimming in debts and not conquering your full potential. Harry hated it but he also hated not having a direction in life. If someone could describe Harry in one word it would have to be broken. Confused was a close second.

Alan his therapist was always spewing bullshit at him. “You’re a good kid.” Alan would say sadly and then when Harry would stare at him blank faced he’d add. “It’ll get better.” Because of course that’s what Harry wanted. Teachers said the same thing. He supposed it was all in some kind of pamphlet when they got their PhDs.

_Spew bullshit at your students and hope they don’t see through you._

Harry hadn’t always been so fragmented and sad. It was just that at some point when he turned fourteen he stopped feeling… okay and he just became so hopelessly unhappy all the time.

He’d heard his mom talking about it with his step father Robin and she had thought it was a phase but a year passed and his mother found him sitting in the snow in the middle of a December night. So they packed up and they moved to London because she thought he needed a fresh start and she got him a therapist.

“He’s going to make you better.” Two years and well Harry still felt the same.

“They’re very interesting.” Ms. O’Reily finally said. Harry looked up at her and she looked out of her element and she looked hesitant like she didn’t know how to approach a situation like the one they were currently in. “I just want you to know that it’s okay for you to speak to me or anybody when you feel… low.”

Harry almost snorted.

_The word you’re looking for, darling is depressed._ He thought to himself.

So Harry just nodded at her and told her that he would and then he walked out of the classroom and faded into the throng of students. And he was just another faceless person walking the halls of a school and not wanting to even be there.

##

Thirteen year old Harry was not seventeen year old Harry because while seventeen year old Harry walked on a tightrope of depression, thirteen year old Harry was just miraculously and wholeheartedly happy. He didn’t think too much about life, he just thought a lot about friends and having fun and dressing in odd outfits for Halloween.

Thirteen year old Harry was naïve and he always saw the good in things and other people. Thirteen year old Harry was a boy who had spent his whole life trying to make people smile that sometimes he forgot how his own smile looked like but he didn’t really think much of it.

He charmed the knickers out of old women at coffee shops and he read big books that had meaning and he always made sure that others didn’t look sad. And maybe somebody should’ve focused on making thirteen year old Harry happy to and maybe his downfall could’ve been avoided.

But it’s hard to see the sadness in a beautiful smile.

##

Harry was sitting in that awfully itchy blue chair and staring at his therapist, Alan who was smiling at him. He had just asked Harry how his day was and Harry had said in that complete monotone he had adopted many years ago… fine. Because that was all he was anymore.

And anything he actually did feel went into his leather-bound journal that he had begun keeping when he was fourteen. Most days he didn’t even write anything worth reading, sometimes they were just simple phrases.

So Harry’s fine for now… better than him wanting to kill himself that’s for sure.

“How was school?” Alan asked in that low and scratchy voice he had. It made Harry cringe and want to press his palms to his ears and in his honest opinion Alan was not cut out for being a therapist to teenagers.

He didn’t understand that sometimes sitting in silence for forty five minutes was all Harry needed to do because Alan was determined to fill that silence with one of his tedious questions over and over again.

“It was fine.” Harry replied. He didn’t want to tell Alan about his whole encounter with Ms. O’Reily because Harry wasn’t some science experiment for someone to ooh and ahh over. He would not allow himself to spew out irrelevant bullshit to this man just to have him write it down in his even more irrelevant clipboard.

Then he’d examine what Harry had said and he’d pick apart the pieces he liked and did god knows what with them and Harry was not going to allow him to dissect his words like they hadn’t meant anything in the first place.  

So school was just dandy.

“Has anything interesting happened?”

“No.” Harry wasn’t trying to purposefully give Alan a difficult time but what was there to say? Gemma had called from college and she had sounded so happy and buoyant.

“I really love it here!” She had cried and he wanted to tell her to take him with her but he also wanted her to be happy so he hadn’t said anything and he’d just laughed with her and listened to all her college stories.

She had sounded so breathless but it wasn’t the kind of breathless people felt when they were running away from something it was the kind of breathless that somebody felt when you were running towards something… something good, not that Harry had ever felt it before.

He had also watched Love Actually with his mom and stepfather and he’d noticed that they both kept watching him during the whole movie so just for their satisfaction Harry had smiled. Because there was still the thirteen year old Harry trapped in him who was so dead set on pleasing people.

His mother had lit up like a Christmas tree when he did smile and well, the hurt in his face from smiling was worth all that pain.

So nothing worthwhile had happened.

“You should try talking about anything. Say whatever you want and maybe you’ll find something to talk about.” Alan continued and Harry looked up at him. Why was this man so intent on getting Harry to talk?

“Can I go home?” Harry found himself asking and Alan’s face fell.

“Are you sure? You know that I like to believe we’ve built up an honest friendship. I wouldn’t want you feeling uncomfortable around me.” Harry stared at Alan for a long time after he said that but then he laughed. The situation wasn’t funny but dammit he wasn’t going to cry! Alan looked absolutely startled as Harry pushed himself out of the itchy chair.

“Don’t worry. I feel uncomfortable around everybody.”

##

Harry’s mom, Anne emerged from the kitchen as soon as Harry stepped inside the house. She was grinning and wiping her hand with a dishcloth. “How was it?” She asked him and Harry noticed that she looked so happy.

If he opened his mouth and told her it was fine she would see right through him because she was his mother and she understood some things about him. She understood that he couldn’t quite look at himself in the mirror anymore because all he saw was ugly and more ugly and she knew that he hadn’t been fine for a long time. So because he loved her and he just wanted her to smile forever he just smiled one of those fake smiles and walked away.

He tried not to slam his door when he got into his room but he couldn’t help it. With long strides he walked over to his drawer and pulled out his journal and just stared at the blank pages and began to write about how everybody was living for everybody else and nobody was who they said they were. Not really because their whole lives were spent trying to please.  

Then he talked about how he wanted to find somebody who even mildly understood him and maybe wanted to save him. Harry was not a damsel but he sure was in distress and it had been two years and he couldn’t save himself so maybe somebody else could do it. He couldn’t even count on his fingers and toes how many times he wanted somebody to tell him it was okay to feel like dying.

Alan had always talked about how he was going to make him better and his mother always talked about healing because he wasn’t good enough and because he was broken when he was fourteen and he was still broken at seventeen.  

So Harry told his journal his ‘Hail Mary full of graces’ that he had only said in church years ago. And he had never believed in God or people but he sure did believe in miracles.

##

“Harry.” Robin said as he sat down on the foot of Harry’s bed. It was a Saturday and Harry was curled up in a ball on his bed and he didn’t know what Robin was doing there. Harry loved his stepfather but he also loved being left alone.

“Yes?” Harry managed to reply.

“Let’s go get breakfast at Tommo’s.” Tommo’s was a hole in the wall diner that the Tomlinson family had started a couple years back. Their son Louis was a firecracker of a boy. He radiated happiness and every time he saw Harry he’d always smile and it wasn’t one of those sad smiles it was a real smile. He would also always sit down and talk to Harry even when it was clear that Harry was having a bad day.

Well a worse day amongst a series of bad days really.

Harry liked Louis although the boy did manage to give him a headache. Louis always rambled on and on about his boyfriend Liam and how he was in love and sometimes it made Harry sad because he wanted to meet somebody that looked at him like Liam looked at Louis.

Because he had seen Liam and Louis interact and they gravitated towards one another and it made Harry’s heart hurt.

“Okay.” Harry eventually ended up saying to his stepfather.

“Great! Meet you downstairs.”

Harry forced himself out of bed and he took a shower and changed out of his usual Saturday morning pajamas. When he bounded down the stairs his stepfather smiled at him and said.

“You look nice, son.” The thing is in Harry’s household nice was a synonym for happy because if Harry could manage to roll out of bed in the morning without a fight then maybe he was getting better. Even if it was for a little bit.

##

The whole car ride there was spent with Robin talking about his job and Harry tried to listen he really did but all he could really think about was how in three months it would be summertime. And then summer would be spent with his mother and his stepdad and Alan and the journal and there would be nothing to look forward to as usual.

And then after the summer he would have to go to uni and if he didn’t go to uni he would have to get a job because his mother and stepfather loved him but they wouldn’t just let him lay around in the house his whole life.

And it made him so sad that the only thing he would actually gain from the summer would be blisters on his fingertips and a new journal because the old one needed replacing.

Tommo’s was a beautiful little restaurant with a nice awning and lots of plants and there were some tables outside where people sat under the umbrellas going about their lives. Louis’ sister Charlotte was serving some people and she smiled at Harry and Robin when they got out of the car because they were regulars.

Harry smiled back at her and it was almost one hundred percent real because the Tomlinson’s did that to a person. They made people happy even if it was for a morning.

When they actually stepped into the restaurant they were met with Colbie Caillat playing on the small little stereo they had and Louis was talking to a blonde boy who was sitting down on one of the booths. He had a guitar in his lap and Louis was waving his arms around maniacally and all Harry could do was stop in his tracks.

Harry had seen beautiful things in his lifetime. Harry had seen his mother in her wedding dress with tears in her eyes, Harry had seen his older sister talk about life like she was in love with it, and Harry had seen his stepfather love his mother.

Harry also understood beauty. He understood things like beautiful personalities like Louis’ and the way people talked to each other and glowed and exuded contentment and he understood beauty in the way Liam listened to Louis even when it was clear that Louis was getting tedious.

But dammit it was beautiful.

But the boy with the blonde hair and the soft blue eyes was smiling at something Louis was saying and all that understanding and knowing about beauty flew out the window and it was just… him and Harry didn’t know what to do about that knowledge.

“We should find a seat.” Robin interrupted Harry’s thoughts and when Harry looked at his stepfather the man was smiling at him. Harry blushed and followed him to a seat and tried not to think about the boy’s laughter that carried all through the diner.

Louis was suddenly in front of them and grinning.

“Harry and Robin, should I get you the usual?” Both of them nodded and Louis looked at Harry and tsked. “You should lighten up babes; your dark cloud is bumming me out.” Then he was skipping away because Louis never did simple things such as walk.

Harry couldn’t help but to watch the boy with the blonde hair from his peripheral vision and all he wanted to do was run his fingertips over every inch of pale skin and light fireflies under his cells and see all that light. All that wonderful light.

“He is cute isn’t he?” Charlotte asked and Harry jumped a bit as he looked up at the dirty blonde teenager. She was grinning at him and all Harry could do was blush as she hit him on the shoulder and demanded for him to scoot over.

“Niall is cute right?” Charlotte asked again and Harry felt a bit calmer putting a name to the face. Harry looked at Robin who was smiling at him and then at Charlotte. Before he could reply Louis was skipping out of the kitchen and slipping in next to Charlotte.

“Are you tormenting him?” Louis asked her and she nodded. “Good job. What about?”

“Niall being cute.” She replied and Louis laughed and looked at Harry. Harry suddenly felt very uneasy because he could barely handle one Tomlinson sibling let alone two.

“You totally have the hots for him!”

“The hots?” Charlotte asked and Louis rolled his eyes at her playfully.

“Yes, baby sister that is geezer talk for a crush.” She rolled her eyes and then they both were back on Harry.

“So you totally think he’s cute, right?” Charlotte asked.

“I- I don’t really know.” He managed to stutter out but he did know. Harry had never believed in love at first sight but when he looked at Niall all he wanted to do was lay his ear onto Niall’s chest and listen for his heartbeat and gather all the light that he emitted from his bones and keep it for himself because he needed a little bit of that.

“You were totally giving him heart eyes though.” Charlotte stated and Louis nodded in agreement with his sister.

“Totally. Right, Robin?” Louis asked and all Robin did was laugh.

“Gonna have to go with Lou and Charlie on that one.”

“Two points for Gryffindor!” Louis cried and Charlotte made a face at him.

“You don’t even like Harry Potter.”

“Well you don’t either but you understood the reference so do with that what you like.” Charlotte rolled her eyes and then they were pouncing on Harry again and asking him what he would rate Niall in cuteness which was ridiculous even for them. Louis and Charlotte’s mom Jay though saved him when she came out of the kitchen with two plates of food in her hands.

She set them down in front of Harry and Robin and grinned. “Dig up, boys.”

“Thanks, Jay.” Robin said and she waved her hand as if to say ‘don’t worry about it.’

“Harry thinks Niall is cute.” Louis informed his mom and Jay looked down at him and Charlotte with an amused look on her face.

“Did he say that or were you two just assuming like you always do?” Louis and Charlotte pouted at her.

“I don’t assume!” They said in unison and she looked at Louis first.

“Remember when you assumed Liam was cheating on you?” And then she looked at Charlotte. “Remember when you assumed that we all had forgotten your birthday and you went all diva?”

“I told you to never bring that up!” Louis screeched.

“Don’t go there!” Charlotte added and Harry watched them interact with an amused look on his face. He wasn’t usually amused but the Tomlinson’s did that to him.

“I don’t quite know where I’m going, Charlotte. Why don’t you enlighten me?” With that Jay began to walk away and both Louis and Charlotte were sputtering with embarrassment in her wake. Robin was chortling into his eggs. Louis turned to both Robin and Harry and held up a finger.

“Wait one sec. Baby sister and I have to go yell at our mother for bringing up dark days!” Louis was out of his seat in a dash with Charlotte following quickly after and Harry watched them with a small smile. What a nice family, he thought to himself.

“You smile so much when you’re here, Harry.” Robin mused and Harry peeled his eyes from the Tomlinson’s back to his stepfather.

“Oh.” Was all he could really say. It made him feel a bit guilty that people that weren’t even his real family could make him smile than his actual family could and maybe it had to do with the fact that they didn’t know about his problems while his family did. It made him feel nice knowing that not everybody knew about him having therapy and how it was like a war in his mind.

He looked up from his fingers just in time to see Niall walking out the door and Harry swallowed because goodness that boy was beautiful.

“You should go to talk to ‘im.” Robin suggested and Harry looked at his stepfather who was smiling encouragingly at him. Harry didn’t think his stepfather really understood the dynamics of things. Boys like Harry could never get boys like Niall to even think about them when they’re in bed at night trapped with only themselves and their dreams.

Harry was not a Niall type of person because Niall was light and purity and goodness. Niall was the type of boy who looked like they could rest their forehead onto somebody else’s and breathe into their skin and hold them tightly. And Harry never deserved something as beautiful as Niall.

When he and Robin finally stepped out of the diner after having breakfast they were met by the crisp February air and the strumming of guitar strings. When Harry looked over he saw that it was Niall sitting on the grass in front of Tommo’s strumming a simple Katy Perry tune.

All Harry could do was watch in fascination as Niall’s fingers strummed over the strings softly and his voice was paradise and he was just something else. Something that Harry could only strive for… the type of boy that had someone writing poetry in their sleep.

##

 “How was it, boys?” Anne asked when both Robin and Harry walked into the house and Harry looked at his mother and she was smiling with her white teeth and her pretty dark hair and she just looked so happy that all Harry could do was allow a smile to slip onto his face.

He walked upstairs and he took out his journal prepared to write anything but all he could do was stare at the blank page because well.

There were twenty six letters in the English alphabet and there was an endless amount of words in the English language and none of them could describe Niall properly.

##

“How are you feeling?” Alan asked him as Harry looked down at his fingers. Same old boring routine and same old boring questions. Harry wondered if Alan ever wanted to quit as much as he did.

“Fine.” Harry replied. Same ol’ same ol’. Harry looked out the window sadly and he studied the way the February sun peeked out from the clouds and it was still a bit chilly but it was quite beautiful. Back in Holmes Chapel thirteen year old Harry would give all the girls he liked flowers and hearts on Valentine’s Day just so they felt beautiful.

Thirteen year old Harry could never give a boy he liked flowers and hearts though because people didn’t take well to boys liking others boys. Because when people didn’t understand things they didn’t allow others to understand it either so Harry never looked at the boy he used to like too much or did anything to draw suspicion.

He was just thirteen.

“Anything interesting happen?”

“No.”

Niall was interesting but at the same time Niall was something for him to keep for himself. He didn’t want to tell Alan about the way Niall breathed or the way he smiled and the way he played guitar and how blue his eyes were, no. That was for him to enjoy in the dead of night, those things were for him to memorize.

Harry looked over at the clock and it was 3:30 and he thought about how in five minutes it would be 3:35 and he would still want Niall and he’d still want to hear him speak and he’d still want to crawl under a blanket with him in the middle of November and allow soft skin to rest on broken skin.

Harry had been to church as a child and every Christmas and he understood all his ‘Hail Marys’ and his ‘now i lay me down to sleeps’ and those were different ways to get to another level of Nirvana but at that moment he wanted to get to Niall. And Harry had never had the urge to pray until then.

When Harry left Alan’s instead of taking the left to get home he took the right to Tommo’s diner.

##

Louis was sitting on a countertop making out with Liam and there was a boy sitting in a booth with Niall seated across from him and they were both laughing and Harry wondered how Niall got so wonderful.

Harry was standing in Tommo’s diner trying not to hyperventilate because Niall was now looking at him and his lips had curved into something that looked like a smile and Harry thought about how it took god seven days to create the heavens and the earth and how god created every human out of dirt and sand and how…

Niall was blowing him away grain by grain, dust by dust. .

“Louis, stop making out with your boyfriend. You have a customer!” Niall shouted and Harry thought about how he had always been a lost one. He had never been somebody that knew where they were going or what they were doing but in that one simple moment he wasn’t lost or confused or any of that.

Because well. Harry wanted to sleep with Niall but he didn’t want to have sex with him he just wanted to get lost in a thick blanket with their limbs tangled all together and Niall’s hair a mess and their lips terribly bruised from kissing. And he just wanted somebody to hold him just so he could hold back equally tight.

“Why are you just standing there? Come sit.” Louis demanded wrapping his hand around Harry’s wrist and pulling him over to the booth where the boy with the raven hair and the thick eyelashes and Niall were seated. “The usual?” Louis asked melting into Liam who had snaked his arms around Louis’ waist as Harry nodded.

The dark haired boy proceeded to make made gagging noises.

“You two sicken me.”

“At least I’m getting some Mr. Perrie Edwards is the hottest thing since Drake!” Louis shot back and Niall laughed.

“Ouch.” The boy rolled his eyes at Louis’ retreating figure.

“Sorry about Louis. He’s pretty crazy.” The boy next to him apologized and Harry shrugged.

“It’s fine.”

“Are you used to him?”

“Yeah I saw Lou and Charlie tormenting him yesterday.” Niall replied with a grin that settled so nicely on his face.

“I think Louis torments everybody.” Harry replied and it kind of startled him that he actually said more than two words. Speaking actual sentences were really odd.

“That’s completely true.” Niall agreed and all Harry could do was smile. “Anyways I’m Niall and Broody Mcbroodson over there is Zayn.”

“I’m Harry.” Harry introduced but Zayn was already talking over him.

“I do not brood!” Niall laughed (god he was killing Harry).

“You do brood. It’s disgusting how much leather jackets you own.”

“Well you’ve got the starving musician look down to an absolute science even though your father the inventor of toaster strudel is like loaded.”

“You did not just quote mean girls.” Niall muttered and Zayn laughed.

“I did just quote mean girls.” Niall shook his head pitifully and Zayn turned towards Harry. “Niall thinks he’s going to be the Irish Justin Bieber.”

“I hope you don’t try to get good seats at my concerts when I’m famous. I’ll make sure you get one in the back around all the crying fan girls. I’m already making a mental list of privileges you won’t get once I’m on every magazine.” Niall retorted and Harry wondered where Niall even came from, where did they make boys like this? He looked so carefree and gorgeous that it made Harry want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

“Kind of hard for somebody without a brain to make a mental list out of anything.” Zayn shot back which caused Niall to reach over and hit him on the head. “Hey, don’t touch the hair!”

“What are you going to do? Brood about it?” Niall asked and Harry let out a little laugh causing Niall to look at him with a grin on his face. Harry immediately bit his lip and looked down at the table.

Louis finally emerged from the kitchen with Harry’s fish and chips and set it down in front of him. He of course was followed by Liam.

“Scoot over.” Louis said hitting Harry’s head just like his sister had done the day before and Harry did as he was told. Louis slipped in next to him and Liam slipped in next to Niall and all of five of them were squished in a booth that was probably not meant for five people.

Zayn insulted Louis’ ‘fat arse’ which caused Liam to come to its rescue and before Harry knew it the three of them were in a heated conversation about the size of Louis’ butt and Harry tried to ignore the way Niall kept sneaking small little glances at him.

Which was… odd because why would Niall be looking at him? There was a point in the afternoon where all the boys were talking about Zayn’s ultimate crush on Perrie Edwards and someone nudged Harry’s feet. And when Harry looked up Niall had a blush on his cheeks and that gave Harry all the answers.

Funny thing was Harry didn’t know much about Niall besides the fact that he was wonderful and Niall didn’t know much about him but they tangled their feet together like they were old lovers meeting over new circumstances.

And well.

It was nice.

##

“Are you a student?” Niall asked him

“Yes.” Harry replied as they walked side by side to Harry’s car. They were so close that Harry noticed Niall smelled like citrus and cookies and Harry had never known he liked that combination until that day.

The two were so close that Harry could move a bit and they’d be touching shoulders and hands but Harry didn’t move.

“Is it your last year?” Niall asked him.

“Yes. How about you?”

“I’m a musician. I moved to London to get big but I’m starting to think I’m not so good.” Harry watched Niall from his peripheral vision and Harry wanted to tell Niall how wonderful he was and how Harry wouldn’t mind listening to him forever because he was more than good. Harry wouldn’t mind anything that involved him and Niall together to be quite honest.

Harry said nothing though and they walked in silence to where Harry’s car was parked. Before Harry got into his car he noticed that Niall was still standing there so with confusion he asked.

“Where’s your car?”

“I don’t have one.”

“How do you get places?”

“The bus.” Niall said so Harry said.

“Get in.” And Niall looked at him strangely for a bit but eventually he got in and Harry thought that maybe all his ‘Hail Mary full of graces’ had finally worked out.

##

“Have you lived in London forever?” Niall asked him as Harry drove his car down London with the windows down because Harry couldn’t quite breathe properly with Niall around him.

“I haven’t.” Harry said.

“Where else than?”

Harry wondered why a boy that didn’t know about his problems and his journals and his therapy could care so much. He didn’t want to dwell on it though.

“Holmes Chapel. I was born there.” But you see I went crazy and my mother and stepfather decided that a fresh start was necessary. Harry remembered Holmes Chapel and how nice it was and how all the girls always smiled at him and how charming everybody said he was. He was so thirteen and so young and so unreservedly happy.

Now he’s seventeen and wasting.

“Do you miss it?” Niall asked him.  

“Just the memories.” Harry replied and if he was being completely honest he was quite surprised by the question. Nobody had ever asked him if he really missed Holmes Chapel. Nobody really cared because life in Holmes Chapel was then and life in London was now. Nobody expected him to even think about it.

But Niall didn’t have any expectations for him and that was kind of nice.

It was silent for the remainder of the ride and Harry wanted to hear Niall’s deepest thoughts or even his simple ones but sitting in a car with him and driving aimlessly for a bit was alright to.

##

“Thank you.” Niall said when Harry dropped him off at his apartment building and Harry wanted to tell Niall about all the things he had thought and how lovely Niall was to him and Niall looked like he wanted to say something to but neither of them did.

“You’re welcome.” Harry said and then Niall walked away and Harry drove home.

##

“How was it?” Anne asked when Harry stepped into the house.

“Fine.” He said and he thought about Niall and how their feet tangled together and how the boy smiled and how his face was heaven and well. Fine that day was better than fine the other days,

Harry lied down on his bed and he stared at his ceiling and he wondered what Niall was doing at that moment. He looked at his clock and it read 6:30 and in ten minutes it would be 6:40 and Harry would still want Niall in the simplest form of the word.

##

When Harry walked down the hallways of his school he wondered about the stories these kids had to tell. He thought about Farrah Watson, a popular cheerleader who seemed so happy all the time but Harry had caught her crying in the courtyard alone one day and Harry wondered about her story.

He wondered if it was perfectly written with commas in the right places and periods and question marks where they were supposed to be. Or maybe her story wasn’t like that at all. Maybe it was a free verse poem that went off on tangents and it didn’t quite stop.

Harry wondered if she had to reel her story back in so that nobody could read the way she sobbed when nobody was watching.

Harry thought that was odd, that everybody had to reel in their emotions and their stories.

So when Harry found Niall singing in front of Tommo’s after school he wondered about his story. And Harry didn’t know what to do so he did the simplest thing he could think of, he sat down next to Niall and brought his knees up to his chest.

“That was really nice.” Harry said to Niall because he had read somewhere that whatever you do in life would be very insignificant, but it was important to do it anyway. But then Harry thought that maybe that quote was wrong because just sitting down on the grass with Niall was probably the most significant thing he had done in all of his seventeen years of life.

“Thanks, Harry.” Niall sounded sad and Harry raised an eyebrow.

“Are you okay?” And Niall said softly.

“Yes.” Yet he looked so dejected and his eyes were glassy and Harry resisted the urge to press his forehead onto Niall’s and wipe whatever tears dared to fall away.

“I really hope you are.” Harry whispered and Niall closed his eyes for a bit and then he opened them again and he was crying when he said.

“I don’t think I’m any good.” And the way his voice broke made Harry’s heart go along with it.

“At what?”

“Singing. Guitar.” Niall confessed sniffling and wiping his eyes as he looked down at the instrument on his lap.

“Well… I think you’re quite wonderful. And I wouldn’t want you to throw that away.” Harry whispered feeling like dying. Niall looked up at him and he looked like Harry’s ‘Hail Mary full of graces.’

“What?” Niall asked.

“You’re quite wonderful, Niall.”

Harry had always been the kind of person to wear his heart on his sleeve but then when he turned fourteen he hung up those sleeves and settled for his bare arms. The days of bravery and sleeves full of hearts were replaced with cold seventeen year old Harry who didn’t tell people what he felt because what was the point?

Then Niall came and well. A bit of thirteen year old Harry was bleeding out.

“I think you’re quite wonderful to.” Niall whispered and then he smiled and Harry did the same. They both sat there and Niall strummed lazily on his guitar and Harry looked down at his watch.

It was 3:15 and in five minutes it would be 3:20 and Harry would still want to hold Niall in the most beautiful form of the phrase.

##

Harry smiled at Farrah Watson in the hallway at school the next day and she looked at him a bit funny albeit smiling back but that was okay. After school he went to Alan’s and Alan said in his tired voice.

“How are you feeling?” And Harry said.

“Good.” And Alan’s eyes widened.

##

After therapy Harry went to Tommo’s and shyly slipped into a booth Niall was sitting at and Niall smiled at him.

“I’ve been writing a song.” And Harry said.

“Have you?” Niall nodded and told him that he couldn’t show him yet and Harry told him it was okay. And the way Niall smiled at him was all worth it and he moved a bit closer to Harry until their shoulders and arms were touching and it was hard to decipher where Harry started and Niall ended. Niall rested his hand on Harry’s softly and he looked up at Harry through his eyelashes and he said shyly.

“You’re wonderful.” And… well.  

##

“How was it?” Anne asked him and Harry looked at her and he said.

“Good.” Anne stared at him for a bit like she was having a heart attack and then a small smile slipped onto her face and she said.

“Was it?” And Harry nodded.

“It was.” And she hugged him so hard and she said.

“My baby.” Over and over again into his chest. And in that moment he thought about beauty and how a simple word could bring one person to Harry’s mind.

Gemma called him and she said that she was happy he was getting better and she couldn’t wait to see him in March and he couldn’t wait to see her either. She talked and she talked and Harry listened as he stared up and his ceiling and he wondered what Niall was thinking of.

He could feel it in his gut that it could possibly be him and the idea made him smile.

##

It was a Monday and Harry was sitting in a booth at Tommo’s with Niall by his side and they weren’t doing anything but simply holding hands.

It scared Harry how they fit so well and he’d always heard that cliché about puzzle pieces but he never believed in them but the way Niall melted into his side like ice cream in the middle of July made him a bit of a believer.

“Tell me about yourself.” Niall said and Harry looked down at him.

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything. I want to know everything.” So Harry said nothing and Niall looked up at him. “What’s wrong?” He asked in that perfectly innocent and confused voice he always had.

“Nothing.” Harry said but everything was wrong. He knew it wasn’t fair that Niall could tell him his story about his dad and how he had expectations for him while he had different expectations for himself and how his mother had left him and how his brother couldn’t look at him the same ever since he came out but Harry couldn’t even push down his pride and tell Niall about his issues.

Harry was such a screw up and Niall could do so much better.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing. Are you okay?” Niall asked and Harry looked down at him.

“I’m fine.” And he didn’t mean to snap but he did and Niall swallowed and nodded.

“Okay.” And Harry said.

“Okay.” And that was that.

##

“I’m so sorry if I upset you.” Niall apologized the next day over the phone.

“It’s fine.” Harry replied.

“You should come over to my place. I make good tea, I know you like tea.”

“I do like tea.” Harry said and Niall laughed and everything felt right again.

##

It was funny how chamomile tea on Niall’s dingy couch escalated into a make out session but it had. Harry was on his back while Niall was straddling him and somewhere in between kisses Niall had lost his shirt so Harry allowed his fingertips to memorize the curvature of Niall’s spine and the way goose bumps rose on his skin every time Harry touched him.

Harry pressed his lips onto Niall’s neck and Niall melted into him and there was a fire inside of him that only Niall could kindle. Niall was whimpering and making sinful noises but then he was pulling away quickly with one hand on Harry’s chest and he was breathing heavily.

Then he began to cry and Harry’s eyes widened. “Why are you crying? What did I do wrong? Why are you crying?” Niall said.

“How do you want me so easily?” All Harry could do was stare at him in disbelief as he cried and when he looked like he was going to have a fit Harry cradled him onto his chest and then it was skin pressed on cotton so Harry lost his shirt to so that it was broken skin on broken skin in the most intimate way possible.

And Harry carded his fingers into Niall’s hair over and over again and allowed him to cry and he thought.

_How do you bruise so tragically?_

Because he realized something and it was that Niall wasn’t as whole as he had originally thought. And he looked at the clock above Niall’s head and it was 8:35 on a Tuesday night and in five hours it would be 1:35 on a Wednesday morning and Harry would still need Niall.

In the most real form of the word.

When Niall finally stopped crying Harry said. “Tell me what made you cry?” So Niall took a deep breath and he rested his forehead on Harry’s bare chest and he told him about a boy he used to see. This boy had hands that used to beat Niall unconscious and words that made Niall feel worthless and unlovable. Niall told Harry about a boy that was a man in public but a monster in private.

Harry thought about the depth in Niall’s tears and the distance in his words and the broken way he shook and he realized that being a thousand miles from a place that broke him didn’t exactly mean he was mended.

So they cried together and they hurt together and Harry finally got the courage to breathe in the words he could never say to anybody against Niall’s porcelain skin. And inside Harry’s white bones was the word ‘wonderful’ and inside Niall’s was the word ‘loved.’ So after they cried they slept in the most intimate way they knew how.

Niall rested his head onto Harry’s chest and Harry pulled the blanket around them and Harry watched the clock and thought about how it didn’t matter the circumstances. He would want Niall in every single form and in every single second of the wretched days.

So Niall closed his eyes and Harry did the same. And they slept the whole night through.

 

**Author's Note:**

> personal blog: http://imjustfizzlingout.tumblr.com/  
> fanfiction blog: http://youisziamyouisismart.tumblr.com/
> 
> ~  
> the quote that harry talks about is from mahatma gandhi.  
> do with this fic what you wish


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